I Don't Want To Weigh Myself
So I have to weigh myself... and I am terrified. I can already hear people think "suck it up, buttercup" or "wtf is the problem, I do it all the time." Well let me tell you why it's causing me such issue. And if what I'm going to say can even help one person feel like they are not alone, I'll be happy and not feel stupid for putting this out there...
I have not weighed myself in about 5 months. It was a conscious choice by my coach and I to help stabilize my mental health and refocus myself on my goals of getting healthier. Every time I took one step forward health wise, why I checked my weight my mood would plummet. I suddenly went from excited that I had lifted more, or I was sleeping better, to upset that my weight had gone up.
I almost always am at a state of dual thought; rational thought and irrational thought. Rationally, my mind always knew I HAD to gain weight and body fat, but irrationally I wanted to keep my body where it was aesthetically. I wanted to keep the leanness, but craved the freedom to eat more and what I wanted.
Once I had taken the pressure of competition off, everything was open to me again. Oreos, fruit, protein bars, burgers, salads, tacos, cereal, etc. I could try them again. I could partake in family meals and date nights... and I did. I did in force. Not only that but I started eating things at night when my husband was working or on the drive home from work. 3 boxes of cereal would be gone in a day and a half. I reached out to some friends who gave me advice and ideas,,,but I ultimately knew that I needed help. I was restricting during the day so I could snack on the way home from work and dinner.
All the while, I was weighing myself every morning and getting upset that the number was going up. I knew exactly why it was happening but I did not/ could not pull myself out of the cycle.
I did research on coaches, hired my current coach and immediately got real personal. I refused to try to hide what was happening. I mean, the whole reason why I was going to a coach was to break this dangerous cycle. So before we even started, she said that the more honest I was, the more she could help me. And I took that to heart.
We worked together for about 2-3 weeks before she made the call that I needed to just put the scale away. That it was just causing me upset and issues, not helping build me up. It was not serving me, and just causing an abundance of stress and anxiety. So I put it away. I started focusing on how my clothes fit, how much more I could lift, or what health gains I was making.
And here we are 4 months, 1-2 weeks later, my coach and I have worked hard to get to a point where I can start cutting down a bit before reverse dieting back up while maintaining a more aestheically comfortable physique (for me). But before I cut down, I need to take some data...one of those data points is weight. So tomorrow is when I send it in...
What could I be nervous about? Why am I scared of insecure? The number on the scale had no power over me. It shouldn't cause me issues.
But unfortunately, it does.
Why? because I know there is no way that I am any less than 15+ lbs up from where I was 5 months ago. I know that, so now that I do, it shouldn't cause any stress. But just imagine stepping on the scale and it being more than what you've imagined. What if it is more than I am thinking it is? What if it is less than what I think it is?
But you know what? I refuse to let the number on the scale have any power over me. I know I am so much more than a number.
To the person reading this; feel the anxiety, feel the nerves but just do it. Do it and dominate. Gather the data and leave it at that. It helps you know where you are in your program, but don't mistake that one data point as the end all be all. Take pictures, take measurements, notice how your clothes fit, how you are progressing in your lifts, how you are sleeping, etc. There are many other data points and your weight is just one.
Don't get discouraged - I am going to try to not let it discourage me and persevere. Join me!
I have not weighed myself in about 5 months. It was a conscious choice by my coach and I to help stabilize my mental health and refocus myself on my goals of getting healthier. Every time I took one step forward health wise, why I checked my weight my mood would plummet. I suddenly went from excited that I had lifted more, or I was sleeping better, to upset that my weight had gone up.
I almost always am at a state of dual thought; rational thought and irrational thought. Rationally, my mind always knew I HAD to gain weight and body fat, but irrationally I wanted to keep my body where it was aesthetically. I wanted to keep the leanness, but craved the freedom to eat more and what I wanted.
Once I had taken the pressure of competition off, everything was open to me again. Oreos, fruit, protein bars, burgers, salads, tacos, cereal, etc. I could try them again. I could partake in family meals and date nights... and I did. I did in force. Not only that but I started eating things at night when my husband was working or on the drive home from work. 3 boxes of cereal would be gone in a day and a half. I reached out to some friends who gave me advice and ideas,,,but I ultimately knew that I needed help. I was restricting during the day so I could snack on the way home from work and dinner.
All the while, I was weighing myself every morning and getting upset that the number was going up. I knew exactly why it was happening but I did not/ could not pull myself out of the cycle.
I did research on coaches, hired my current coach and immediately got real personal. I refused to try to hide what was happening. I mean, the whole reason why I was going to a coach was to break this dangerous cycle. So before we even started, she said that the more honest I was, the more she could help me. And I took that to heart.
We worked together for about 2-3 weeks before she made the call that I needed to just put the scale away. That it was just causing me upset and issues, not helping build me up. It was not serving me, and just causing an abundance of stress and anxiety. So I put it away. I started focusing on how my clothes fit, how much more I could lift, or what health gains I was making.
And here we are 4 months, 1-2 weeks later, my coach and I have worked hard to get to a point where I can start cutting down a bit before reverse dieting back up while maintaining a more aestheically comfortable physique (for me). But before I cut down, I need to take some data...one of those data points is weight. So tomorrow is when I send it in...
What could I be nervous about? Why am I scared of insecure? The number on the scale had no power over me. It shouldn't cause me issues.
But unfortunately, it does.
Why? because I know there is no way that I am any less than 15+ lbs up from where I was 5 months ago. I know that, so now that I do, it shouldn't cause any stress. But just imagine stepping on the scale and it being more than what you've imagined. What if it is more than I am thinking it is? What if it is less than what I think it is?
But you know what? I refuse to let the number on the scale have any power over me. I know I am so much more than a number.
To the person reading this; feel the anxiety, feel the nerves but just do it. Do it and dominate. Gather the data and leave it at that. It helps you know where you are in your program, but don't mistake that one data point as the end all be all. Take pictures, take measurements, notice how your clothes fit, how you are progressing in your lifts, how you are sleeping, etc. There are many other data points and your weight is just one.
Don't get discouraged - I am going to try to not let it discourage me and persevere. Join me!
Comments
Post a Comment