Hunger Games

     I had to quit. 

     I was told I had to quit. 

     Did I want to at the time? Yes

     Do I wish I hadn't quit? Yeah. 

     Was it probably the best thing at the time? Definitely. 

I stopped training for my bikini competition in VERY early August just 2 months shy of my first time going on stage. 

I've spent the last month and a half trying to maneuver my way through learning my body, my hunger cues and getting my hormones back to a normal, sustainable level. It's been rough and very hit-n-miss. Some days, I'm on point with my food and others...it's been bad. 

My problem is, I'm fairly certain that know my triggers. I know what is going to set me off and what is going to make me want to binge, but I get a bad case of the 'fuck its'. "Fuck it, I dieted for 9 months and I wasn't able to do it", "Fuck it, it isn't that much over my allotment for the day, it's fine!", and I'm sure you can imagine the rest. I'm fully aware of what I'm doing and how it is going to impact my daily macros. 

 

Lately, I've been between two schools of thought. Following a stricter diet or try to intuitively eat. 

I've spent the last 10 months trying to follow macros given to me. Don't get me wrong, I think that controlling what you eat and being vigilant about everything is necessary at many times. I've taken my weight, my body fat percentage, my measurements, progress pictures and tracked my food for about 10 months now. I've gone through a lot, learned even more. 

Through all of the dieting, my hunger hormone (ghrelin) basically just stayed constantly on. I was always hungry, so it was just a feeling that was always there. My eyes were always bigger than; 1. my stomach and 2. what I was allowed to eat. So once I took off the restriction, I was constantly hungry. Eating until I was stuffed. I didn't/ don't know how to not feel hungry. Two weeks into 'reverse dieting', I started trying to understand the science and control the different emotions/hormones going through my body. 

I realized I had restricted for so long, made sure I was within amounts, completely cutting out food groups and I had been successful at ignoring my hunger. I could do it again. I just needed to be a little stronger to stop the spiraling. 

For about a month now, I've been unsuccessful at staying within my macros that I have set for myself  to somewhat reverse diet. I will be the first to admit, I'm not doing so well at this reverse diet thing. I'm really not. I've gained, real talk, about 10 pounds. I know it's a bit water weight but I can see a lot of it is body fat. I'm well aware that this body fat is going to be HELL to get off, but I can not give up this goal of mine to do at least one competition. 

Intuitively eating is hard to do. It's especially hard after restricting/tracking for so long. Your ghrelin levels increase, making you more and more hungry all the time. "Ghrelin is a hormone that increases appetite, and also plays a role in body weight," (https://www.webmd.com/diet/features/your-hunger-hormones#1). It's hard to then know, when you are truly hungry and when you aren't. I was in that stage for a very long time, not knowing when I was truly hungry, so I ate. I saw something I 'wasn't supposed to have' but it looked good, so I ate. I'm actively working at recognizing when I am hungry and only eating then. I am also working on eating until I'm satisfied, not overly full. 

This is something that most people, whether they've been in a competition diet or not, have struggled with. Buffet restaurants, all you can eat, family dinners, etc. All of those examples and more are usually followed by that all too familiar feeling of needing to unbutton your pants and take a nap.

The reason why I'm explaining all of that this is because, I've been trying to learn about what causes someone to not stick to their diet. Why is it that someone is so dedicated for so long, then has freedom and starts to spiral? What causes someone to want to overeat and give up their goals? 

I mentioned earlier that I know my triggers. And I believe I do. Understanding your trigger foods is something everyone should do. You can do this by, tracking what you eat and being reflective of how you feel, noting how you feel when you interact with certain foods, noticing if you shy away from or go towards certain foods. These are all flags that you might have some kind of 'trigger' to that food. 

Learning that emotions are closely tied to my eating patterns was a shock for me. When I had a hard day at work, I would eat animal crackers. When I was happy, I would want to order a pizza to celebrate. Sad, chocolate chip cookies. You get it. I'm sure that I'm not the only one who feels this way. 

I saw a post on Instagram this past week about understanding your trigger foods, accepting them, learning WHY they cause anxiety and how you can overcome them. All of these phases take time and patience. (Not one of my greatest virtues.) 

The person who posted said she recognized that sweets in the morning set her off for the whole day because then throughout the day she would just crave sweets. I empathized with that. I like sweets morning, noon and night. But I had to sit back and think over the past two months, have my setbacks been because of how I structure my day and the food I'm choosing? This question required me to sit and really reflect on my choices and emotions throughout the day. It turns out that I was fine when it came to meals, but I was over indulging on the snack part. I would fill in between meal-times with protein bars, candy corn, chocolate chip cookies, etc. Which in turn made me want more sweets. 

Do you drink only coffee for breakfast and then find yourself overeating on your lunch break? Or having only coffee for breakfast but eating all the candy and snacks in the office? 

Do you eat a healthy breakfast, healthy lunch, but then you fall off the rails when you get home? 

Do you find yourself buying snacks and then saying, "I shouldn't have these in the house" so you eat them? 

All of these examples are stories I've heard from others and some I've experienced. They are normal. Most everyone experiences them at some point in their lives. If you don't, congratulations. But if you do, know that you're not alone. You just have to find what works well for you. Intermittent fasting, 3 square meals, 6 small meals, etc. The best diet is one you can stick to. Don't feel bad if what works for you, doesn't work for your friend and vise versa. 

I can't intermittent fast. I just don't like how it makes me feel, I get hangry and dizzy. But it works for so many friends of mine. They prefer it over eating breakfast, lunch and dinner. It's not for me, but that's okay. 

Find what works for you, understand how you interact with food, and know that you're not alone!