Getting the 'Thigh Gap', but at what cost?

The thigh gap. No muffin top. Sleek legs and arms. All these things women look at and strive to be like. Myself included.

Both of these pictures I found on Pinterest, under the Health and Fitness tab. 
     I was addicted to pinning 'gorgeous' bodies on my gym motivation board in hopes of one day looking like them. Being able to feel confident in a bikini or even just wearing whatever I wanted and not having to constantly tug and pull my clothes to get them to 'fit right'. I used to hold these people up as...absolutely beautiful, goddess-like women because they had aspects of their body that are deemed "skinny" or "perfectly toned" by society, they were looked at as lovable and desirable. They could never have any problems because they looked like that. They just had to be happy. Or at least...happier with themselves than I was. 
     As a girl I was always overweight... always bigger and taller than the others. It wasn't until 5th grade where the teasing really began. "60,000 lb girl", "fat american", "fatty"; all the names (even those lacking in originality) really took their toll on me. So I started working out. The summer before my middle school years started, I worked out every day, every single day and no weight was lost. I was killing myself too, my mom was cooking healthy stuff, my dad was helping me stay on track, my whole family was so supportive because they knew I wanted to be strong and I was already heading down a heavy fat diet, sedentary, unhealthy lifestyle.

That's me, in the pink sweatshirt after my huge weight loss

But it turned out that I had a condition called Candida Albicans. Basically, the yeast in my intestines feds off of sugar in foods. This caused my stomach to balloon. So, I had a food allergy to gluten and lactose. My Dad also had it as well. So once we cut those out, the weight melted off of us. 
Literally, I lost about 50lbs in a few months. I got very small. I got obsessed. I went way into the deep end of not eating enough. My thought process being, the less I ate the smaller I got. 
     I passed out in school, multiple times. People started making fun of me for that too. My hair started falling out. I never got my menstrual cycle. I barely ate anything at all.
     But when I hit 98 pounds at 5 ft 8inches... I scared myself back into eating correctly and enough. Before that, I believe my Grandmother even saw a picture of me and said "You look like a skeleton covered in skin." She wasn't being mean or rude (I realize now), she just was scared for me. 

     I had anorexia. It's taken me years to finally see it and admit it clearly. So what my mom did to try and help me was, she started sneaking more fattening things into my food, full fat milk instead of soymilk, sugar instead of Splenda, full yogurt instead of fat-free, etc. She told me later that she just didn't know what to do, I wouldn't listen to what she was saying and my body wasn't getting the right nutrients it needed.

Lets fast forward to today. My weight has fluctuated a lot over my life until I made a decision to just be healthy. Healthy being the key word. Strong and sleek. I still have the urges to restrict what I eat at times, it is an everyday struggle to not eat too much but make sure to eat enough. I've come to accept it and know my triggers. 

However, the reason why I'm writing this today is because I watched an interview with a "plus-sized" model about how she was told she was a pig and she stuck up for herself. She basically told them to eff themselves, because she loves her body. It really struck a cord with me. Here is a woman who is absolutely beautiful, 6 ft tall, a size 12 and being called fat? But more than that, she felt confident enough in herself to not only model in lingerie but tell the people that were so mean to her, that she loved her body and she wouldn't change a thing?

     I have a very similar body type to her; tall, curvy, and long. But when I look at her the one word I do not think of is fat, yet I look in the mirror and think "I should lose some weight." Society has dictated that women who are larger than a size 6 are over weight, women who enter into a size ten are called plus sized and then anything larger is obese. 

     Please don't misunderstand me, I know for some people it is very hard to gain weight. They are just naturally skinny and that is perfectly okay! I very strongly believe that as long as you are taking care of yourself, happy and healthy, then whatever weight you are is fine. I don't want people to think that I am writing this and saying "Oh, it is okay to just be lazy because it's society that's wrong." No, that isn't what I am saying at all. I'm saying people (particularly people whom are unhappy with themselves and their weight) should not strive for a certain number or for the ever popular thigh-gap. They should simply strive to be healthy and in shape. Not only that but be confident with your body. It does amazing things every day. 
     
     Women are so harsh to themselves every day. I know from experience. Not just with myself, but with my family. They (women or men in general) constantly put their bodies through hell just for the sake of fitting into the size 6 jeans that aren't even comfortable just so they can say that they FIT into a size 6. I'm guilty of it too. I see how the media effects my younger sisters and I just want to scream at them that what is on the TV isn't real. Those women are able to look that way due to the money and time they have! The trainers, chefs, and beauticians they have!

     But then I was floored after one of my sisters told me she was just doing what I was doing. That was a major turning point for me. I decided right then that if I wanted to continue losing weight or being healthy that I had to do it the correct way. There is no fast trick to a lifestyle change. I made sure that my sisters came to the gym with me, I made sure they were eating with me, I made sure to have them see how I changed my habits. I will probably never forgive myself for putting the thought that not eating or over exercising is the right way to be. The fact that the media glamorizes people for being so tiny, or too big is what is causing such a problem with today's youth. 

     We, as a society, are so focused on how much weight celebrities gain or lose that it is insane. For example, Kim Kardashian put on some weight while pregnant. That is normal, but for some reason everyone was throwing a fit about her weight and neglected to remember that she grew a freaking human being! It is not as if she just decided to eat McDonalds everyday for 8 months, she was pregnant.
      
     I love celebrity magazines. Ask anyone, I have a huge stack in my room. But when I look through them now, I realize how much their bodies are the focus of the attention in each article. Does anyone else think Jennifer Lawrence is "too big for Hollywood"? No way! She's real! And actually one of my very favorite celebrities especially for that reason. 

Now, the people that know me personally know that I am pretty much the least self-confident person ever. I constantly second guess myself and even writing this I feel hypocritical but I'm a work in progress. I work hard every day to make the effort to eat healthy, drink more water, walk the extra flight of stairs. Yes, I still beat myself up, but I've come to the conclusion that I will never have a thigh gap. I'll never have a completely flat stomach and the stretch marks from growing 4 inches in less than a year won't go away. But that is okay. It is okay because all those things about myself tell a story, my story. As long as I'm happy, confident and healthy that is all that should matter to me. But like I said, I'm still a work in progress.