Figuring Out My Eating Patterns
I'm here today to talk a little about eating disorders. *Gasp!* I did say eating disorders.
I have struggled with anorexia for most of my life now, and for the longest time I thought an individual could only have one.
I thought that made sense, a person with an eating disorder would go through it, suffer through as well, try their very best to recover and continue to stay recovered. Happy and healthy once they were in fact, recovered. I don't know why I always thought that. Like it was impossible to relapse or go through something that causes a development of an additional one.
Welcome to the topic of today's post.
After having to quit my bikini competition in August, I thought I would be able to control myself and stick to a reverse type diet while still enjoying some of the things that I had so desperately wanted while in prep. Protein bars, cereal, low carb tortillas, fruit. I can't even describe the feeling of being off of prep 'officially' and then suddenly realizing this next part was going to be the hardest.
Have you ever been so cold and then decide to jump in a hot shower, just knowing it is going to solve your problem, feeling that bliss and anticipation only to realize it's going to hurt before it feels good?
That is about the closest I can describe it.
I had heard all the stories about how easy it was to gain body fat after stopping prep and how you needed to keep the prep momentum going, just in reverse. But I didn't realize how important it was.
Not to mention, how easy it was to develop a distorted eating pattern.
When I stopped prep, I had so many other things going on; my injuries, my thyroid condition, mental fatigue, my full-time job was starting, and most importantly, my baby sister was seriously injured and in the hospital. I was in the hospital with her and my parents for a whole week and following a strict meal plan was not in my line of sight.
It started innocently enough... some animal crackers here and there, a bite of a cookie, a chicken salad... Then when my sister was released from the hospital, and I got started working, I lost it.
Boxes of cereal were gone in a day, bags of grapes, entire watermelons, chips and salsa, protein waffles, 2-3 protein bars a day and all the cookies. Like I said, all the things I would crave and had such a strong will against while in prep.
It all came to a head when my husband was out of town for work and then I really had no one watching me. I knew I could take the trash out before he got home. It just happened. All three boxes of cereal in a sitting. I realized something was wrong with me. I wanted to get rid of what just happened, but I hate throwing up.
After I realized I was not in a good head space, I reached out to a couple of friends asking what to do. They were so incredibly helpful. "Set yourself up for success", "Don't eat alone", and "plan out your meals and don't keep trigger foods in the house". Trigger foods. Trigger foods?
Foods that I could not defend myself against. Animal crackers, cereal, whipped cream, grapes, Chez-its, basically any snack-like foods.
So there I was, sitting in bed, ashamed, sick, and thinking to myself, "I cannot have developed another eating issue. I just can't." I'm not going to say for sure, Oh I have binge-eating disorder, but I can tell you that it has taken me, my husband and a coach, over 3 months to stop the over-eating and secret binges.
It has taken us about 9 weeks of near-constant work to help me fix (on a very small scale) my relationship with food and my body image.
I am still deliberating on if I want to do another competition prep or not, if it would be helpful or hurtful for my mental headspace. I love the sport, I love the process of improving oneself and pushing it to the limits. But I also recognize that it isn't for everyone. Not everyone is mentally or physically able to do it. And as much as it kills me to admit, I might be one of those people.
I'm still debating though. My coach and I agree that I am not ready to even think about cutting until maybe March. I need to fix my body and relationship with food first. If I take care of it, it will take care of me.
I hope I haven't offended anyone with this topic or post. This is simply my experience and journey, no one else's. Please know that if you are suffering from any kind of distorted eating pattern, you are not alone and there are so many different people, resources and ways out there to help you. Let me know if this helped and if you would like more information on this topic!
I have struggled with anorexia for most of my life now, and for the longest time I thought an individual could only have one.
I thought that made sense, a person with an eating disorder would go through it, suffer through as well, try their very best to recover and continue to stay recovered. Happy and healthy once they were in fact, recovered. I don't know why I always thought that. Like it was impossible to relapse or go through something that causes a development of an additional one.
Welcome to the topic of today's post.
After having to quit my bikini competition in August, I thought I would be able to control myself and stick to a reverse type diet while still enjoying some of the things that I had so desperately wanted while in prep. Protein bars, cereal, low carb tortillas, fruit. I can't even describe the feeling of being off of prep 'officially' and then suddenly realizing this next part was going to be the hardest.
Have you ever been so cold and then decide to jump in a hot shower, just knowing it is going to solve your problem, feeling that bliss and anticipation only to realize it's going to hurt before it feels good?
That is about the closest I can describe it.
I had heard all the stories about how easy it was to gain body fat after stopping prep and how you needed to keep the prep momentum going, just in reverse. But I didn't realize how important it was.
Not to mention, how easy it was to develop a distorted eating pattern.
When I stopped prep, I had so many other things going on; my injuries, my thyroid condition, mental fatigue, my full-time job was starting, and most importantly, my baby sister was seriously injured and in the hospital. I was in the hospital with her and my parents for a whole week and following a strict meal plan was not in my line of sight.
It started innocently enough... some animal crackers here and there, a bite of a cookie, a chicken salad... Then when my sister was released from the hospital, and I got started working, I lost it.
Boxes of cereal were gone in a day, bags of grapes, entire watermelons, chips and salsa, protein waffles, 2-3 protein bars a day and all the cookies. Like I said, all the things I would crave and had such a strong will against while in prep.
It all came to a head when my husband was out of town for work and then I really had no one watching me. I knew I could take the trash out before he got home. It just happened. All three boxes of cereal in a sitting. I realized something was wrong with me. I wanted to get rid of what just happened, but I hate throwing up.
After I realized I was not in a good head space, I reached out to a couple of friends asking what to do. They were so incredibly helpful. "Set yourself up for success", "Don't eat alone", and "plan out your meals and don't keep trigger foods in the house". Trigger foods. Trigger foods?
Foods that I could not defend myself against. Animal crackers, cereal, whipped cream, grapes, Chez-its, basically any snack-like foods.
So there I was, sitting in bed, ashamed, sick, and thinking to myself, "I cannot have developed another eating issue. I just can't." I'm not going to say for sure, Oh I have binge-eating disorder, but I can tell you that it has taken me, my husband and a coach, over 3 months to stop the over-eating and secret binges.
It has taken us about 9 weeks of near-constant work to help me fix (on a very small scale) my relationship with food and my body image.
I am still deliberating on if I want to do another competition prep or not, if it would be helpful or hurtful for my mental headspace. I love the sport, I love the process of improving oneself and pushing it to the limits. But I also recognize that it isn't for everyone. Not everyone is mentally or physically able to do it. And as much as it kills me to admit, I might be one of those people.
I'm still debating though. My coach and I agree that I am not ready to even think about cutting until maybe March. I need to fix my body and relationship with food first. If I take care of it, it will take care of me.
I hope I haven't offended anyone with this topic or post. This is simply my experience and journey, no one else's. Please know that if you are suffering from any kind of distorted eating pattern, you are not alone and there are so many different people, resources and ways out there to help you. Let me know if this helped and if you would like more information on this topic!
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